Reflecting upon growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, I think there were many elements at play that shaped my thinking and pushed the feminist agenda into my psyche - rooting from childhood and sprouting throughout the next few decades of my life. I remember feeling like being a stay-at-home mom was frowned upon, thinking kids were what trapped you in life while limiting your potential for career accomplishment, that men were largely positioned to be predatory and controlling in marriages, that being financially dependent on anyone for any reason was the worst thing you could do, and that nothing mattered more than being liberated as a woman to do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, at just about any cost.
If you're around my age, we were one of the first generations of kids who commonly saw double-income households. We were the kids put in childcare and after-school programs so both parents could work. Many of our moms warned us of all their perceived missteps and tried to help us not achieve the same "fate" they struggled with. And society showed us scantily clad women living their "best lives" while overtly flaunting their sexuality (remember being a pre-teen dancing along to the music videos as Christina Aguilera sang about "wanting to get dirty" in her assless chaps, and Gwen Stefani made it a fashion statement to display tiny thong underwear above her pants while reciting "let me blow ya mind" repeatedly?), demonizing traditional female roles in the home, and displaying the earliest examples of "boss bitch" behavior.
We were told we could (and should) do anything a man does. That any limitations were in our minds, and we deserved to have it all. In some ways, I do understand the general sentiment and why it was important. The pendulum just swung back way too hard and knocked my entire generation out in the process. (More on this later.) But as a current mother of two toddler girls with another due soon, I want nothing more than for them to reach for the stars and achieve their biggest dreams in life. But what I don't want is for them to be as out of touch with reality as I was, not provided with the full scope of what being a successful woman could really look like. For some, high career achievement and independent financial success is enough - and impressive to anyone. If this is you, I salute you. In our own American history, there were plenty of women "stuck in the kitchen," unable to vote, and wishing for a future where they could go out and use their minds and skills to be more than just a homemaker, wife, and mother. But what has been lost in the sauce, shall we say, is just how rewarding aspects of that traditional life can be for many women, too. Not only is it not fair to take that away from women, but it's adding pressure to work against what we've been biologically programed to do as well.
What I mean is this: I was expected to do well in school so I could get into a good college and become highly educated in my chosen field of study. I then graduated college and immediately joined the workforce, as "the path" dictated. I was prepared to do just about anything required to grow in my career as quickly as possible, and I did. I did not prioritize marriage or children because I was conditioned to think this was not only unimportant to my life, but perhaps even a net-negative, bringing no value at all and burdening my own financial independence and opportunities to personally succeed. I got a few of the "your clock is ticking" talks, was immediately resentful, dismissive, and probably even more resistant as a result. Eventually, I didn't understand how I could have been expected to only have a few years to go to school, work so hard for my degree, climb the ladder as fast as I could, to basically be faced with the thought to have to stop all of that progress, throw those years of hard work away, and be required to consider having a family ASAP, or else that option would effectively be taken from me forever. But that is the truth. For women, by the time you've been able to start making strides professionally, you are forced to choose - and the choices are not great. I'd categorize them currently as follows:
Become a "trad wife" - which basically encompasses the traditional wife concept of homemaker and stay-at-home-mom - but this is only possible if you have a partner that earns enough to maintain your lifestyle as a (suddenly) single-income household. (Not common today.)
Become a working mom - which means you continue working up until giving birth, take however few weeks or months are afforded to you by your job (if at all), and then be forced to have someone else care for/raise your child all day long (usually for a tremendous amount of money annually) while you return to your place of employment - often traumatically early and against your innate desire to stay home with your baby. Or in fewer cases, go back to work full-time and have your partner stay home with the kids instead if that happens to make more sense.
Opt-out of having a family altogether - which can look different for different women for a variety of reasons, but for the sake of this discussion, let's frame this option around the women who have the option to have a traditional marriage and family, but decide they would like to prioritize their career ambitions instead.
The other challenging part about this is that no one prepares you for this insanely important decision. And many times, you don't even know what you want or what's best for you until you actually decide to take the leap and have a family. I, for one, know I was completely wrong understanding this aspect. I went from having no desire whatsoever for any of it, to becoming open to it as I got into my thirties, to getting married and pregnant quite fast, to thinking I wouldn't have to make any changes whatsoever to my career after bringing a child into the world. I was bamboozled and truthfully went through a serious identity crisis, period of insanely high stress, and saw myself deteriorate mentally and physically under all the pressure, all while I tried to cope with a bout of postpartum depression I wasn't aware I was even experiencing.
I thought I could do it all and have it all, because that's the lie I was sold. It was bullshit. The real phrase should be, "You can have it all, just not at the same time." Anything other than that is setting women up for failure.
I ended up having to take much more time away from my office than I'd planned. And on my second pregnancy, I was much more prepared and factored in some actual leave time to try and adjust. But as is the case for most entrepreneurs, and many working moms in general, if you stop going to work, your income also stops or lessens significantly. See also: higher stress, strain on relationships, mounting pressure, and resentment in a variety of directions. There is zero support from the government or anyone else to ease the pain, and women are basically stuck, unsure of which way to go - feeling just as guilty about leaving their children all day as they do about throwing their progress with education/career away, along with the earned financial independence that came with it.
If you are afforded the opportunity to stay at home, I know many women who embrace that lifestyle and feel fortunate that they can. (And it is no surprise there's been such a sudden rise in interest in the "trad wife" personalities across social media.) But I also know many women that would feel like a "failure" for making that choice, and even more that are quick to judge others, asserting that they"do nothing all day" and it "must be nice." On the polar opposite, the few women I know who are the breadwinners, usually (and eventually) feel a tremendous amount of guilt, anxiety, and cyclical regret wondering day after day if they've made the right choice as their children quickly grow. And for everyone in between, the sacrifices being made are enormous. The most troubled are the ones forced back to work before they're ready (or altogether), riddled with the debt of childcare (which often rivals the salary they earn to begin with), and experience a stressful new life that now includes quietly crying in the bathroom stall of their office every day while they pump breastmilk for someone else to nourish their baby with. This of course all before they come home completely exhausted, and having to only then start their other job of caring for their family and home, trying to get healthy food on the table, do laundry, exercise, clean, and maybe make time for themselves or socializing with friends or family they haven't seen in far too long. It's a complete and total destruction of inner peace and harmonious existence we've all been forced out of, but it's usually too late to get off the ride. There are mouths to feed and bills to pay. This is no time to take a risk, or even consider having a second child. And they wonder why our generation is the way it is? Why the birth rate is plummeting? Why our health is at an all-time low? Why we are the first generation to be less prosperous than our parents? I could go on forever.
Feminism became a monster and broke our spirits and lives. I am forever in awe of the level of fulfillment and happiness I've achieved from having a family. I have accomplished so much in business, and it pales in comparison to the pride I feel in being a good wife and mother. Why? Because nothing else matters at the end of life. No one looks back at 90 years old and says, "Gosh, I'm just so glad I spent so many late nights at the office." Nope. When your time on this Earth is up, the only thing you'll care about is your loved ones. The only way you'll have wished you spent more of your time is with the people that mattered, doing things that made you happy. Those will be your only regrets, and it's the cold, hard truth. And though I know having a family isn't for everyone or afforded to everyone, the point still remains. It's the true and honest enrichment of your life that is the most valuable, not being a slave to an institution or corporation. Women should have the chance to live their lives to the fullest extent, being balanced and happy, whatever that means for them. We should also have the opportunity to change our minds. What made us tick at 20, will be different at 30, 40, and so on. We should not be cogs in a wheel. We should have the freedom to do what we feel we were individually designed to do and contribute to this world, and be able to live a life that inspires others to do the same.
Little by little, I hope all women will have the courage to take an honest look at where they are today, and be diplomatic if a change should be made. Whether it's through baby steps or an abrupt course-correction, know that it is worth it. No life worth living will come without sacrifice, but you owe it to yourself to design a life you are proud of, and would live all over again. Do not let what society, school, culture, parents, or anyone has told you break your spirit or gaslight you into denying what truly fills your cup. Every move toward a brighter future is the greatest gift you'll ever be able to give yourself.
And let's make a commitment to sharing the truth about our learned experiences, and set a better example for our daughters and the next generation of women to help them become an even more vibrant vision of female excellence.