When I had my first baby, I was a basket case. Admittedly neurotic, burnt out, frantic, OCD to the moon. It all came from a good place; I truly just wanted to be the best mom I could be. But my world was flipped upside down, I had no idea what I was doing, and had little support during that time. I took on too much, and set my standards at an unreachable height. It was unrealistic to do "all the things" at superior levels with my time strapped, completely sleep-deprived, recovering from both labor and a c-section, and unknowingly struggling with postpartum depression.
After my second birth, I had set up my life to be much more conducive to having a family... but I still had a lot to learn. I, once again, struggled juggling work with being a new mom, and didn't give myself adequate time to rest and recover - let alone be as present as I wanted to be for my toddler. I was better than the previous time, but still made plenty of mistakes.
Now with my third baby, I'd like to think I've finally got it down. Here are 3 things I'm doing differently this time around:
Change #1 - I don't log every damn thing.
I used to log every diaper change, feeding, sleep window... you name it. Now? I do none of it. Because I know enough about babies to realize what really matters and what is actually notable. I have chilled out so much and saved a ton of time in the process. No more apps. No more notebooks. No more charts. I keep a general eye on the clock. I feed her when she's hungry. I let her sleep when she's sleepy. I check and change diapers as needed. But the rest was frankly unnecessary! And if I have a problem or question that the internet can't answer, I email my pediatrician.
Change #2 - I let baby cue feeding.
One of the biggest mistakes I made with my first two kids was with feeding. I neurotically followed the guidance on how much they were supposed to be eating at specific times, and effectively force-fed them looking back on it. I thought that was the right thing! Now I know babies are perfectly designed, and within reason, a healthy baby will tell you what they need. I let my new baby eat when she's hungry, and let her stop when she signals she's full. And if she wants more? I feed her more. (It's also worth noting that with my first two I was not able to produce any milk, so I didn't have the same body cues I do now that I'm able to breastfeed.)
Change #3 - I don't wake her up. Like ever.
Also partially related to the feeding change, I do not wake up this sleeping baby! I was a major psycho and woke my firstborn up at the exact times that were suggested, and it was largely dumb and not needed. I lost so much rest, and so did my baby! Now I just keep an eye on the clock, but she honestly never goes too long without waking up on her own for something. It's important to remember that babies are just little humans! Some days they need a little more sleep, others a little less. They grow; they change. As long as everything is "normal," I now understand it's okay to just roll with the punches more.
Change #4 - I stopped swaddling.
I now understand myself that every baby is different in terms of their swaddling preferences. On my first, I didn't even know there was another option, so I wound her up like a mummy and that was that. On my second, it was pretty similar, especially in my effort to combat the Moro reflex that woke her up constantly. But with this baby, she hated being swaddled from a week old. Like... hated it. Screaming, thrashing, sobbing... she would get herself so worked up that it would send my heart racing! One day my husband suggested we just... stop. I reluctantly gave it a try and instead let her sleep in her onesie and one of those wearable sleep blankets, and she slept like an angel. We never swaddled her again, and she's our best sleeper out of all three so far.
Change #5 - I let her sleep on her stomach when I'm nearby.
The internet and all recent baby books basically advised my generation that a baby would likely die if left to sleep on their stomach. While I understand the general logic, babies have slept in every way imaginable for centuries, and once there is adequate neck strength, are biologically programmed to shift their head as to not obstruct their breathing (aka survival instinct). Once my two older daughters were toddlers and given the ability, they opted to be stomach sleepers. It is very rare that I find them choosing to sleep any other way. I, myself, am a stomach sleeper! So why was I forcing my baby to not be positioned the way she's obviously the most comfortable? Now, I let her sleep on her stomach whenever I'm awake and nearby. She does just fine like this, has never had an issue, and will rest comfortably for hours straight in this position. At night, I still like to put her down on her back, since I know I'll be sleeping too and can't keep a watchful eye on her. But I know when the time comes that she is a little bigger and sleeping in her own room, that it's okay for her to fall asleep however she chooses, and won't feel the need to constantly reposition her.
Change #6 - I got rid of those stupid mittens.
I remember the first time my dad saw mittens on my newborn. "What the hell are those?" he'd said with a troubled face, obviously trying to figure out how every other baby ever survived all these years without this recent invention we all felt pressured to incorporate. I was so worried about her hurting herself or scratching her face that I kept them on for months and months. But I also robbed her of learning touch, using her fingers, and who knows what other important sensory development was lost in my nonsensical quest to protect her. I now realize that I can easily just keep her nails short and dull, and her hands can be free to explore the world. Much better this way, and less laundry too!
Change #7 - I don't bathe her every single day.
This also to be filed under "trying to be a good new parent." I way over-bathed my first two babies. It was unnecessary, and actually caused their skin to dry out really badly. Babies are not dirty, especially as newborns that sleep most of the day and don't leave the house much, if at all. They need the natural oils on their skin to do their job, and not have their little bodies and hormones disrupted by all the crap in most baby soaps (fragrances, dyes, etc.). Unless they have a crazy blowout diaper or spit up that got all over, I don't think babies need to have a bath every single day. I space out my new baby's baths to a few times a week, or as needed now.
Change #8 - I am not in a rush to resume our "old life," pace, or schedule.
The more you know! I constantly felt this pulling pressure to "get back" to how things were pre-baby. It was so stressful! Mostly because the reality is that life will never be that way again. Your pre-kid life, and your evolution of life between each kid, will continuously change - and that's okay! After much struggle the last 3 years, I now know to welcome and embrace things as they are. Things are much more peaceful this way. My pace is slower these days, and I do my best to work everything around that, rather than stressing about speeding up to meet the fast-paced world. Our schedule will inevitably ebb and flow in the coming months as we bend for our newborn's needs as a family, and also shift gears to accommodate our toddlers or our own needs are we're able. Our new life will be just as special and worthy, and that is something to look forward to.
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